Funny Story - dating service for singles: dates, romance, stories, advices.

This guy buys a parrot. Every morning he stands in front of the cage and asks
in a pleasant voice "Can you talk?" This goes on for weeks with absolutely no
response from the bird.
Finally one morning, totally fed up, he shouts "CAN YOU TALK, YOU STUPID
CREATURE? CAN YOU TALK?"
The bird looks him in the eye and says "I can talk, all right. Can you fly?"
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Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework,
so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small
numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite
good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school
-- you'll have to do it in your head."
The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is
five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what
his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting,
Charlie announces "Eleven!"
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They're making a new movie about Dan Quayle's military career.
It's going to be called "FULL DINNER JACKET"

Did you hear about the Polock who studied five days for a urine test?

Did you hear about the Polock who thought asphalt was a rectal problem?

HUMAN CANNONBALL: "That does it, I quit!"
CIRCUS MANAGER: "But where will I ever find another man of your caliber?"

HE: Jeez, this coffee tastes like mud!
SHE: That's funny, it was ground this morning.

HE: What would you do if you found a million dollars?
SHE: Well, if it was a poor person who lost it, I'd return it.

HE: "Have you been eating cake lately?"
SHE: "No, why?"
HE: "It's just that you look so crummy..."

HE: "What's the difference between my cock and a corned-beef sandwich?"
SHE: "I don't know."
HE: "Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?"

HE: "Do you like cocktails?"
SHE: "Sure, tell me some."

HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for a million dollars?"
SHE: "Well, I guess so"
HE: "Would you go to bed with someone for two dollars?"
SHE: "What kind of a girl do you think I am?"
HE: "We've already established that, now we're setting price."

GUEST: Do lemons have wings?
HOST: What?
GUEST: I said, do lemons have wings?
HOST: Of course not.
GUEST: Oh my god, I think I just squeezed your canary into my drink!

Q: Hear about the guy who complained to a friend that his wife had cut him
down to twice a week.
A: The friend said, "Hell that's not so bad, I know two guys she's cut out
entirely!"

I've got a joke that'll make you laugh 'til your tits fall off!
Oh... I see you've already heard it.

Q: What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A: Bi-lingual.
Q: What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
A: Tri-lingual.
Q: What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
A: An American.

DOCTOR: I've got some bad news and I've got some really bad news.
PATIENT: Give me the bad news first.
DOCTOR: Well, you have about twenty-four hours to live I'm afraid.
PATIENT: That's terrible, what's the really bad news?
DOCTOR: I've been trying to call you since yesterday...

A 5-year old boy and his dad are visiting the zoo, in their bi-weekly weekend
together. Standing in front of the elephant-cage, the boy asks his
father:"Dad, what is that big thing hanging down from between the elephants
legs? I asked mom the last time we were here, but she just said "Oh that
thing...- well, that is..., that is nothing". The dad says, "Son, I told you,
I have spoilt that woman..."

An Australian hooker goes into a tavern, empty, except for a lone Koala bear
sitting at the bar. She walks up and asks if he would like to spend the night
with her. He agrees and they both go back to her place. On the way, she asks
if Koala bears are really as good with their tongues as rumor says. He
replies that they are indeed. They make love all night long, and in the
morning, the Koala thanks her and turns to go. "Just a minute buddy, that'll
be 100 bucks." she says. "Koalas never pay", he explains calmly. "I'm a
prostitute, I make my living this way, you owe me 100 dollars!" she says, but
his reply is the same; "Koalas never pay". Finally, in desperation, she gets
a dictionary from the shelf, looks up "prostitute", and shows him: "See?
prostitute: One who takes payment for sexual favors." The Koala takes the
book flips to the Ks: "koala: Australian marsupial, eats bushes and leaves"

A white guy, a black guy, and a Mormon are talking one day. The black guy
says "I've got four kids; one more, and I'll have a basketball team." The
white guy says "I've got ten kids; one more, and I'll have a football team."
The Mormon says "I've got seventeen wives; one more, and I'll have a golf
course!"

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them
down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender
"I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a
Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've
never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the
chicken is a ventriloquist."

A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes
his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking
things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks "excuse
me sir, can I help you?" the blind man answers "no thanks, I'm just looking
around".

A forman was assigned three new workers; two big strong local men, and a
little guy from Japan. Because of their size, the foreman gave the two
locals the digging work, and told the Japanese man "You'll be in charge of
supplies." After an hour or so, the forman came back to check on their
progress only to find the two locals sitting down doing nothing. "What
happened? Why aren't you at work?" The men replied that their tools were
broken and that the Japanese man in charge of supplies, had disappeared.
Worried, the foreman ordered the two men outside the mine to help look for
the little guy. Just when they were about to give up the search, the
Japanese guy jumps up from behind a rock and yells "Supplies!!"

God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his ball up and
hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred yards down the fairway.
Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it. At first it
looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden, it hooked and started for
the woods. Just before it went into the woods, a bird flew out and grabbed
the ball and flew over the water trap and let it go. Just before it went into
the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball landed on it's back as he swam to the
shore. Just as the turtle got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods
and grabbed the ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the
ball in the cup. St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf,
or are you gonna fuck around!!"