DatingRacer.com - dating service for singles: Funny Story

The caretaker of a golfcorse is having difficulty with unreliable help, so he
decides to splurge and get four very expensive groundskeeping robots to do
the work. The robots are so efficient that soon, everyone is complementing
management about the fine state of the golf course. Every hedge is neatly
trimmed, every leaf raked up, every tree pruned, hardly a blade of grass is
out of place on the whole green. The manager calls the caretaker into his
office, and compliments him on his fine choice of help. "One thing though,"
the manager says, "some of the patrons have complained about the glare from
the sunlight reflecting off the robots' polished metal bodies. "No problem,"
the caretaker replies, he makes a quick trip to the hardware store, buys
several gallons of flat black paint, and paints the four robots from head to
toe. The next day, three of the robots don't show up for work, and the
fourth one robs the pro shop.
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This city-slicker goes out to the country and visits a county fair. While
he's there, he decides to buy a small pig. He goes to a farmer and asks how
much the piglets are. "Five bucks a pound mister," the farmer says, "just
pick one out that you like. Having made his selection, the farmer bends
down, puts the little pig's tail in his mouth, and lifts the pig off the
ground. The farmer bobs up and down a few times, then puts the pig down and
says "fourteen and a quarter pounds at five bucks a pound...that'll be
seventy one twenty five." "You must think I'm pretty stupid to fall for that
routine, why don't you go and get a proper scale" the man asks. The farmer
replies that there aren't any in town, and that he and his family provide
weighing services to all the townfolk. The city-slicker doesn't buy this, so
the farmer calls his son out. The little boy puts the piglet's tail in his
mouth, picks him up, bobs up and down, and says "I reckon fourteen and a
quarter pounds dad." The farmer tells the kid to go get his mother, saying
"she'll give you precisely the same measurement." While the boy is gone, the
farmer explains how the family is known far-and-wide for their accuracy.
"Yep, we're calibrated once yearly by the local weights and measures
beureau..." Minutes later, the little boy returns alone. "What happened,"
the farmer asks, "where's your mom?" "She can't come right now, pop" the boy
replies, "she's busy weighing the postman."
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In Heaven: the cooks are French,
the policemen are English,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian
and the bankers are Swiss.

In Hell: the cooks are English,
the policemen are German,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss
and the bankers are Italian.
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This guy walks into a bar for the first time, and he's sitting around
drinking. Some of the old timers are telling jokes. One of them says
"Seventeen" and the other old timers all roar with laughter. A little later,
another of 'em says "Thirty-Two" and again, they all laugh and holler. Well,
the new guy can't figure out what's going on, so he asks one of the locals
next to him "What're these old-timers doin'?" The local says "Well, they've
been hangin' around together so long they all know all the same jokes, so to
save extra talkin' they've given 'em all numbers." The new fellow says
"That's mighty clever! I think I'll try that." So he stands up and says in
a loud voice "Nineteen!" Silence; everybody just looks at him, but nobody
laughs. Embarrassed, he sits down again, and asks the local fellow "What
happened? Why didn't anyone laugh?" The local says "Well, son, ya just
didn't tell it right..."
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3 boys, 1 black and 2 whites and all 3rd-graders, are playing after school. As
3rd-graders tend to do, inevitably they start discussing who has the biggest
one (if you know what I mean...). To settle the matter, they agree to
determine this once and for all by means of comparison. It turns out in favor
of the black boy, who self-confidently boasts that this of course is because
he's black. He runs home to tell his mother : "Mom, Mom, guess what! We
compared our pee-pee's at the playground today, and I had the biggest one!!
That's because I'm black, right?" "No honey... that's because you're
nineteen..."
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Some guys are trading increadible stories in a bar when one of them pulls
a miniature grand piano out of his pocket and sets it down on the bar. Next
he produces a little man about a foot high from his other pocket and sets him
down on the bar. The tiny man sits down at the piano, and immediately
starts playing the minute waltz.
Upon the insistance of the other patrons in the bar, the man tells how he
was walking on the beach when he spotted a bottle that had washed up on shore.
Once open, the bottle produced a cloud of green smoke from which appeared a
genie. The genie promised the man that he could have anything that he wanted.
"But he must of been hard of hearing" the man said sadly, "'cause he gave me
this twelve-inch pianist!"