DatingRacer.com - dating service for singles: Funny Story

Bill goes to a fertility clinic. "The first thing we need", says the doctor,
"is a sperm sample". He gives Bill a bottle and directs him to room four.
Bill goes down the hall, opens the door to room four and finds two absolutely
gorgeous women dressed in scanty lingerie. They procede to arouse him beyond
his wildest dreams, and in a few minutes, he heads back down the hall with a
big smile and a full bottle. Realizing he had to pee, he opens the door to
the first bathroom he comes across, only to interrupt a guy frantically
masturbating with a copy of Playboy. In the second bathroom a fellow was
doing the same thing with a Penthouse centerfold. Back in the doctor's
office, Bill asks the doctor about the two other fellows. "Oh, those guys?"
asked the doctor dismissively. "Those're my Medicaid patients."
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This guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane,
he counts to ten, pulls the ripcoard, and nothing happens. Only a little
worried, he pulls the cord for the auxilliary parachute, but unfortunately,
the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he
sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything
about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"
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"You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "When Abraham Lincoln was
your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school."
"Really?" the kid said. "Well when he was your age, he was president."
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A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while
the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of 3 possible
operations. The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the
medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as
complicated as the 3rd alternative. But there's still no result, and another
month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big
one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital
activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby. Filled
with joy, the young wife now see's the doctor for the regular examination
during pregnancy: "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But
what was this 3rd operation actually all about? the first two weren't that
bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for
weeks after?" "Well" the doctor replies, "Since the first two standard
operations failed, we started suspecting your methods, rather than your
ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of people
one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-
speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating,
"the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..."
Pretty soon, he had every single person in the audience completely
mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have
to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I
am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word
is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord,
landed on his ass, and yelled "SHIT!".
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A little withered old man walks into a timber company office, and applies
for a job as a lumberjack. The foreman politely tries to talk him out of the
idea. After all, he is old, small, and apparently much too weak to fell
trees. The old man picks up an axe and walks over to a huge redwood. As he
goes to work, a high-pitched whine comes from the axe, chips of wood fly
everwhere, and the odor of burning wood fills the air. In record time, the
old man is finished chopping down the tree.
"That's just astounding," the forman says, "wherever did you learn to
chop down trees like that?"
"Well now," the old man smiles, "have you ever heard of the Sahara
Forest?"
"You mean the Sahara Desert."
"Sure, that's what it's called NOW...